The Ninth Gate (1999) is a sub-par movie that might nail wealthy Satanism hobbyists for the hacks they are if those people even existed and pales in comparison to its distant ivy league cousin Eyes Wide Shut (1999). Spoilers for the first one, not really the other one.
You’re walking through the forest at night trying to find your way home and and end up in a clearing. A bat bursts from the canopy and shrieks in your face. You shriek back. A rustling in the bushes startles you and you shrink back behind a tree, peeking your face around the corner. The coast seems clear so you tip-toe back into the clearing and by what awful luck a furry humanoid pounces, pinning you to the ground. You wiggle and writhe but the creature’s face only gets closer to yours. You’re face to face with a werewolf and notice it’s wearing headphones.
You go “what’re you listening to?”
Every year there is a festival in Tulsa, Oklahoma where nerds get bashed into oblivion. Bullies gather from all around to take a crack at a slew of unsuspecting pencil-necks. The dorks are lured here with the promise of “the comic-con of middle America” and scrounge up their meager earnings from working at Toys ‘R’ Us to fly in from all around the country. The Bullyminati, a secret organization run by top tier twerp terrorizers, sends an unmarked envelope to locally-renowned bullies everywhere. The envelope contains a plane ticket, a hotel booking receipt, and a coupon for a free pair of boxing gloves from Dick’s Sporting Goods.
Read the rest of this entry
You better believe he’s fuckin back. This time we get out of the compound and inspect Mr. Dollar$’ new property acquisition. I watched David harass kids leaving school for about an hour before the interview was conducted. Not included in the video is David curbjawing Poh boy Joe as it would be too graphic for youtube. He was whining about wanting new shoes and david told him cardboard and twine with plastic bag for socks was fine. Anyway joe’s in the hospital and it doesn’t look good. enjoy the video friends.
Cloud Nothings has grown and been squeezed like dusty, lovable coal into a presentable diamond over the span of their career.
Read the rest of this entry
In order for a clock to run, it requires a cooperation of gears. In comparing life to a clock, sometimes it runs out of batteries even though all the pieces are still there, sometimes grandpa has war flashbacks and swings a croquet mallet into the now-shattered clock, sometimes a piece is missing and sometimes many pieces are missing forever and there is no hope of ever getting the clock to run the right way again. This ironically titled album in many ways refers to the last metaphor in which many complications arose at once in Josh Homme’s life and he experienced a lot of disarmingly bad feelings at once.
Read the rest of this entry
Here is an exclusive interview with renowned FBI (federal bikini inspector), creator of the spreadable PB –AND– J and the CEO of Yankii Korp. His security guard, Sinbad, had me tie a sheepshank and drink an entire gallon of Yankii Korp’s testosterone-infused milk before I was allowed to see Mr. Dollar$$$. I am now addicted to testosterone-infused milk (or Mootosterone) and have been gaining muscle at an alarming rate. My limbs are the size of tree trunks and I don’t know how much longer my heart can handle it.
hang out/hang ten 